Over the past decade, I have heard many men question what it means to connect to their inner Feminine.
I know… I had a tough time with this in my youth. I was shamed for my emotions. I felt “other” and not good enough because of my sensitivity. It’s been a lifetime breaking down the cultural stereotypes and finding my true unique identity. I could only have done it by integrating my feminine side.
Understanding how and why you connect to your feminine side can help you understand yourself in a new way. There is a lot to gain by integrating these parts of yourself, and there is a lot to lose by repressing them.
What is a man’s feminine side, and do you have one?
A man’s feminine side is the aspect of his personality that might be seen traditionally as Feminine. In general, most people exhibit both Masculine and Feminine behaviors. Femininity is not tied to biology and is more about how one identifies and demonstrates gendered traits.
Carl Jung, a famous psychologist, believed that everyone’s psyche contained both Feminine and Masculine aspects. He thought that to be whole is to integrate these two aspects of the self (Anima and Animus).
We also see this theory reflected in Traditional Chinese Medicine’s belief that everyone has channels of energy that flow through them: both Yin (Feminine) and Yang (Masculine).
Almost all men display Feminine traits in one way or another. I’ve seen it time and time again in countless scientific research.
The BSRI test has been used to graph how strongly an individual identifies with both masculine and feminine behaviors. The test was developed to gauge how many people showed androgynous tendencies (being balanced in both).
The following chart shows that most men tested higher with masculine traits but still had a fairly high score for femininity as well.
If there were a scale from 0 being feminine and 10 being masculine, most men would test as a 6.5.
So… most men have feminine traits. But what does that even mean?
Let’s look at what femininity means in this context and how men have a feminine side.
What are feminine traits?
In our culture, certain traits are associated with Masculinity and Femininity.
Your masculine side gets expressed when you’re working toward a goal, taking action, and pushing forward. Your feminine side gets expressed when you embrace creativity, dance, and play.
| List of Masculine Traits: | List of Feminine Traits: |
| Competitive Aggressive Self-reliant Ambitious Decisive Directness | Empathic Nurturing Sensitive Selfless (giving) Creative Forgiving |
It’s important to recognize these are separate from biology. Masculinity and femininity are about the traits and roles you are expressing. (learn more about this in my article on Gender Performance).
Feminine is the desire for life.
It’s the depth of emotions and presence, so why would you deny yourself those experiences?
That doesn’t mean you have to be in your Feminine all the time, change your sexuality, or anything like that.
Connecting to the Feminine is just letting these natural experiences be felt instead of suppressing them.
This always reminds me of grief.
I had a friend whose partner passed. They had a kid together, and he was left alone to care for his four-year-old son.
When the tragedy happened, this father found himself in his masculine warrior. He was dealing with hospitals, insurance, family, and the day-to-day.
He knew what was needed was his Masculine.
But… that isn’t all that he is.
At first, he bottled everything up. This eventually left him bitter, and it was starting to hurt his relationship with his son.
Eventually, he took a moment to get into his Feminine – allowing himself to drop into his emotional body. Only then was he able to complete the cycle of grief.
He finally cried and let it all out.
Suppressing these aspects of yourself can lead to distress, depression, and bitterness.
What Happens When Men Embrace their Femininity?
There is a lot to be gained by integrating the feminine part of yourself. The Feminine is also a gateway into your creativity. The whispering of the muse within you is the Feminine.
When you connect with the Feminine, you will have access to:
- Empathy
- Communication skills
- Emotional intelligence
- Intimacy
- Kindness
- Openness
- Connection
If you don’t embrace your Feminine, then you are losing a big part of your vitality.
Carl Jung believed that men needed to face and integrate their Feminine. Otherwise, there would be a dire impact.
Permanent loss of the anima (Feminine) means a diminution of vitality, flexibility, and of human Kindness. The result, as a rule, is premature rigidity, crustiness, stereotypy, fanatical one-sidedness, obstinacy, pedantry, or else resignation, weariness, sloppiness, irresponsibility, and finally petulance – Carl Jung.
Your romantic relationships will also flourish when you open to your inner Feminine.
Knowing your own Feminine will help you understand your partner. Giving you insight into their struggles.
I am reminded of partner dance.
I went to a Zouk class, and there wasn’t an even split of men and women. I ended up volunteering to take the follow position in the dance. I see the follow as the receptive feminine aspect of the dance.
The class had a big circle with leads on the outside, and the follows rotating.
The men kept giving me looks like I was crazy for being a follower. But… the thing is I have never learned more about what it meant to be a good lead until that class.
For the first time, I could feel when the lead was “on it.” I could see what worked and what clearly didn’t, and it made me a better dancer.
In this same way, understanding your internal Feminine will help you understand it externally —helping you step into a grounded masculine with even more confidence.
Does getting in touch with the Feminine decrease the Masculine?
Connecting with your Feminine as a Man does not make you any less masculine or manly. Getting in touch with your Feminine side gives you access to different aspects of yourself.
You can be very masculine, like a lumberjack with a big beard that smells of pine, and still embody feminine aspects that don’t take away from your masculinity, such as being emotionally vulnerable and caring.
We often see masculine and feminine as a scale of one or the other, but it is more complicated than that in reality. One way I like to visualize it is as a continuum that has an XYZ.
You can have a solid connection between your Masculinity and your Femininity. It’s not an “either-or,” but a “yes-and.”
Women and attraction to Feminine Men
One of the biggest fears I hear from men is that women won’t be attracted to them if they show their feminine side.
A feminine man is not less attractive, but who they attract can be different —Just like some people want a partner 5′ and others are looking for someone 6’2. No matter what degree of Masculine or Feminine you are, someone will find you attractive.
In many instances integrating your Feminine will make you more desirable.
Studies have found that many women prefer men that have a balance between feminine and masculine features.
Confidence and Kindness are actually much more important factors when it comes to attractiveness.
If you are confident and embody who you are, you will attract the right person for you.
Ways to get in touch with your feminine side?
Over the years, and working with lots of men, I have found certain activities are beneficial in connecting to the feminine side.
This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a good starting point.
1. Express yourself creatively:
Try doing something unexpected by creating art. This can look like picking up an instrument, writing, or any other creative act. Don’t try to make anything polished (that is more masculine); instead, try to get in the habit of creating, just for creativity’s sake.
2. Practice playfulness
One of the most freeing aspects of the Feminine is playfulness. Too often do we suppress our innate desire for play. This can look like playing sports, picking up a hobby, or adventuring with friends.
3. Feed your senses
Connecting to your sensual reality is a great way to invoke your inner-feminine. Try enjoying life through delicious foods, smells, and textures. Allow yourself space and time to relax into the sensual nature around you.
4. Move your body
Dance and movement are a sure way to connect to your Feminine. It’s letting yourself loose and experiencing play, embodiment, and sensuality.
5. Connect to your Emotional Body
Lastly, one of the most potent things you can do is practice ways of connecting to your emotions. Dance can be a great way to connect on a deeper level but so can writing, talking to friends, or meditating. Try and make space to feel your emotions.
Practicing these five things will help you access your feminine aspects. If you feel like life has no luster, these practices can help bring creativity back into your life.
In Conclusion:
Men miss an excellent opportunity to know themselves if they repress their inner-feminine.
When I was a kid, I definitely didn’t fit the mold of a mucho boy. I was sensitive, caring, and creative.
For most of my childhood into my 20’s, I repressed that part of myself. I found myself filled with anger, regret, and depression.
Over time it felt like a part of me was dead.
Then I gave myself permission.
I let out my inner-feminine and started to express my emotions, dreams, and creativity.
All of a sudden, I was filled with inspiration. I started making music and art. My relationships became more vibrant, and I felt more “at home” within myself.
The funny thing is that while I was suppressing my Feminine, I was also suppressing my Masculine – this is because I resented the idea that I had to shut off a part of myself to fit in.
Once I opened to my Feminine, I also opened my Masculine on a deeper level. This has allowed my life to have a bigger range of experiences. Giving me a stronger sense of who I am and my purpose.
If you feel stuck in any way and confused about your masculinity, remember that it’s not an “either-or” situation. By fully expressing the range of who you are, you come closer and closer to an integrated whole.
Your feminine side is just one aspect of who you are. If you want to explore your masculinity on a deeper level, check out the HeroRise Masculine Archetype Deck.
