Masculinity is an important aspect of life.
But how do we know if we’re masculine in the “right way” for our relationship?
How can we show our Masculinity and cultivate it in a relationship?
We explore all of the different ways you can show your Masculinity and develop it in a relationship here on this blog post.
You’ll learn how to maintain mutual respect for one another, show boundaries without losing respect for oneself, and helping your partner feel their deep Feminine.
Table of Contents
Masculinity is an important aspect of life.
But how do we know if we’re masculine in the “right way” for our relationship?
How can we show our Masculinity and cultivate it in a relationship?
We explore all of the different ways you can show your Masculinity and develop it in a relationship here on this blog post.
You’ll learn how to maintain mutual respect for one another, show boundaries without losing respect for oneself, and helping your partner feel their deep Feminine.
Choose the role you want to play
The Masculine and Feminine energies have contrasting physiology, patterns of focus, and language challenges. Every individual has Masculine and Feminine energies (read more on Carl Jung’s theory of Anima and Animus); you’ll need to be sure of your true nature before being able to embrace it the best you can.
It’s essential not to assume you have to be Masculine just because you are male. Or, if you identify as a solid masculine leader, you might not like to take on the Masculine role in the relationship.
A great example of this is high-power CEOs. They take on a hyper-masculine role at work, so many of them turn to BDSM and submission in their intimate relationships. This role reversal lets them recharge for the rigors of work.
I am not saying you have to take these extremes.
The point is that we all take on many roles in our life. Take a moment to consider if you prefer to be in your masculine energy in the relationship. If you don’t, you should perhaps fight against your nature, and you might be served better with a different dynamic.
Masculinity and Sexual Polarity in your Relationship
There are many forms of Masculinity. I highly suggest reading my article on What Defines Masculinity to explore your identity’s social construct and intricacies. Masculinity and Feminity are also not defined by your biology or sexual orientation. It is about the energy you hold about yourself and the world.
For the sake of this article, we will be looking at a Tantric approach to Masculinity and exploring Masculine/feminine sexual polarity.
Sexual polarity = physical chemistry + attraction to the opposing masculine/ feminine energy.
The strength of the two opposing forces of Masculine and Feminine energy sexual polarity creates the “spark.” You can think of this as Top and Bottom, or Lead and Follow. The more sexual polarities in a relationship, the stronger it will be. The right balance between a masculine and feminine partner can contribute to a healthy relationship with the perfect mix of spiritual ecstasy, physical attraction, and intimacy.
Masculine Traits in a relationship
Masculinity and Feminity exist in a continuum, like a slider from one to the other.
Most of us have both Masculine and Feminine traits.
Where you are on the continuum is not a judgment, it’s just an observation.
It can be helpful to know where you lie on this spectrum in order to create sexual polarity with your partner or cultivate Masculinity as a man in relationships more generally.
The masculine and feminine traits I will list below are not exhaustive but gives some insight into viewing gender as a dualistic approach to sexual polarity.
Masculine Traits:
logical, rational-minded, initiatory
powerful, centered, purpose-driven
grows through challenge
resilient, active
desires independence and achievement-oriented
wants to be needed and respected
Feminine Traits:
intuitive, emotional minded, receptive
free, flowing, open, nurturing
grows through support
flexible, passive
seeks connection
Wants trust, connection, and praise
It can be helpful to think not only where you are naturally on this scale but also where your partner lands. If you both find yourself balanced in the center, you might be missing the raw electricity and dynamism of having more polarity.
For instance, if you both think analytically and introspective, you might feel deeply comfortable. This could lead to strong domestic compatibility, but if you are looking for inspiration and sexual attraction, you might have to both lean into the farther reaches of your preferred role.
It can be hard to maintain a strong sense of self and Masculinity in a relationship.
Think about it: You are encouraged to be vulnerable, caring, supportive, and protective of your partner. All these qualities that society deems ‘feminine. So how do you also cultivate your Masculinity in the relationship?
It’s not easy, but here are some ways for men, and anyone identifying as masculine, to maintain their sense of self while still staying present and connected in this new form of intimacy.
In the rest of this article, we will be looking at empowering your Masculine to keep and maintain stronger sexual polarity.
Stop depending on the feminine for validation
To cultivate Masculinity in your relationship, you need to stop relying on a woman, or the feminine, for validation. It would help if you were looking within yourself and not at her opinion of you. If you want to feel more masculine, then start giving attention to the things that make you happy outside of your partner instead of waiting around for them.
Katie and Gay Hendricks, writers of over 40 books on relationships, shared in their book Conscious Loving that relationships are built from the tension between being together and being apart. A healthy relationship comes from knowing how to balance your own need for solitude with intimacy.
If you always look to your partner for meaning or expect them to be the well of your happiness, then your relationship is doomed. This need to be validated and loved can lead to unhealthy patterns. Holding on to a partner is one of the issues that can lead to emotional abuse. A study by the CDC found that 48.8% of men have experienced emotional abuse from a partner.
It’s crucial to find that inner confidence to strengthen your relationship and recognize and get out of unhealthy relationships when they arise.
It takes a masculine decisiveness to say no to your partner once and a while to make room for yourself. This might make your partner upset, but it will help them trust you on a deeper level in the long run.
Creating and Respecting Borders
One of the biggest things we can do to be more masculine is to set boundaries. This same skill also helps the masculine create a safe space for the Feminine to relax into trust.
Boundaries are vital for creating safety in relationships with ourselves as well as our partners. This starts by understanding what they are saying “no” to or don’t want while at the same time recognizing that it’s their responsibility to say yes too.
It’s important to remember that there should always be an equal exchange when navigating through this process. Setting up healthy boundaries will make you feel better about yourself because you know your limits and needs have been met without taking anything away from your relationship.
This allows both people involved in any given relationship to find themselves first so they can fully embody Masculinity or Femininity and then find each other.
Creating safety and trust is a form of respect.
The Masculine must create its own space, set boundaries with self-care to protect from exploitation or manipulation, then take responsibility for enforcing these borders.
This can be physical as well as mental/emotional spaces. The Masculine must establish some privacy when it comes to their needs because it helps them focus on what they need to do. Setting up personal space will help you not feel so interrupted by people and create a healthier relationship with anyone in your life, including your partner.
Lead the way with purpose
Leading with purpose and directing energy towards building something together will help you cultivate your Masculinity instead of just focusing on yourself. It’s essential to have an end goal in sight regarding sex life (remembering that intimacy often leads back to sex).
Suppose both partners view their sexuality as a means for connection to something more significant rather than simply pleasure-seeking. In that case, they can prevent any feelings of disconnection or dissatisfaction from arising between them.
You don’t need to act like a chauvinistic dictator. Try to cultivate decisive action and take charge when necessary without being too forceful or aggressive about it.
The Feminine appreciates this quality in a partner – when the Masculine leads, they can relax in trust and respects how much thought you put into any decision-making process. You can’t be wishy-washy with decisions.
Regular Practice and Ritual
Regular practice and rituals are a great way to cultivate Masculinity. It doesn’t matter what the regular practice is, as much as the consistency.
By keeping these practices regular (no matter how small), they become an effortless habit that will be easier to maintain over time and contribute to cultivating your Masculinity.
I find morning practice to help me the most. A morning routine, done with intention and regularity, helps set my preferences for the day without thinking about it. It also sets me up with good vibrations, which will help carry through the rest of my day.
Morning ritual Examples:
- Exercise
- Pray/meditate for at least 15 minutes
- Journal/write morning pages
Rituals are also significant because they give us a sense of routine, orderliness, and stability – all essential masculine qualities.
Your regular practice could also be a creative endeavor. Such as woodworking for at least 20 minutes. This will allow you to reconnect with the primal side of yourself and give you a contemplative place to explore your creativity.
Creative Practices:
- Woodworking
- Stoneworking
- Painting
- Drawing
- Writing
By keeping these practices regular (no matter how small), they become an effortless habit that will be easier to maintain over time and also helps to maintain your masculine energy.
Let your Partner feel feminine
When the Masculine holds a grounded space of presence, it allows the Feminine to blossom.
Giving your partner a space to be herself/himself without judging or criticizing her decisions is a great gift. Creating a space of trust and openness will help you build that sexual polarity.
If your partner has run around all morning in their logical brain, fighting traffic, or feels emotionally disconnected, try to help them get back into their body, their joy, and their Feminine.
The Masculine holds the presence of consciousness and observation. If you can utilize that energy to help the feminine drop into their sensual pleasure, you are gifting your partner a genuinely healing relationship.
Connect to the different aspects of your Masculinity
One of my most transformative moments occurred in my early 30’s when I reached deep within myself and tapped into masculine archetypes.
They helped me connect to the different aspects of my Masculinity, like a giant jigsaw puzzle. I would use meditations and visualizations to explore these parts of myself that might not have been so obvious before.
I would do things like imagine myself as a warrior and get into the feeling of what it’s like to be powerful. I’d feel my body expand with energy, almost lifting off the ground. And then I’d take on this role in life where I felt invincible because nothing could bring me down.
This is about tapping into the creativity that surrounds masculine energy and not being afraid to explore it differently.
An archetype helps to see the different parts of your personality.
The five Masculine Archetypes:
Warrior: dedication and action
Wizard: Knowledge and wisdom
Father: Nurturing and providing
Lover: Sensual and present
Sovereign: Harmonious and strategic
I created a free eBook that included activities you can use to embody the different masculine archetypes. It’s a great starting point to help you reconnect/deepen your relationship with Masculinity.
Working with these archetypes will help you know which aspect of your personality are you leading with. For instance, you can tell when you are in your warrior during a fight with your partner or when you are in the shadow of the wizard archetype (the know it all… that is a tough one for me).
This can give you a template to understand your masculine psyche.
Don’t let the little things bother you.
Ten years ago, I participated in a class by David Deida, a tantric practitioner that wrote the book “The Way of the Superior Man,” in which he shared a technique of building a masculine presence.
He had people partner up. One person would try and focus on deep presence. It felt like a meditative space of observation. The second person stood in front of them and watched for any sign that their mind started wondering. If they did, the second person would give them a slight shove.
The activity was to help men cultivate resolve and focus – building these masculine qualities.
This skill applies to your relationship. When you are fully present and focused, you are taking on masculine qualities. This will allow you to deal with the bumps and distractions of life.
Holding your gaze on your life purpose and moving towards what truly matters, no matter the small stuff, will help you build a strong relationship with the Feminine.
I have had many relationships where my partner would prod and test me—seeing if I would cancel a business appointment or making me question my goals. They weren’t doing it consciously, but they were trying to figure out if they could trust me.
Being calm in the storm, holding that presence and purpose will help you hold the Masculine in your relationship.
Don’t expect the Feminine to think like you
The partners that drove me crazy were the ones that I was most sexually attracted to. It created a tension that leads to electricity.
The Feminine, in its extreme, will make completely different choices. That might make no sense and infuriate you.
If you expect your partner to act like you, you will either cause unwanted stress or, worse; you will start controlling their actions to fit your mold of how they should be. If your partner acted just like you, you would find yourself bored and lifeless with no disagreements and no tension.
It’s important to recognize and accept the other person as they are. Turn those minor frustrations into playful moments. You might be able to transform that frustration into an appreciation for the polarity you both share.
You won’t always be in your masculine
Lastly, it’s important to remember you don’t have to be 100% in your masculine all the time.
Psychologist Carl Jung not only believed that everyone had feminine and masculine qualities (anima/animus), but he also believed that the “self,” our purest version of who we are, has a perfect balance between these two opposites.
It’s unrealistic to think that you have to hold the burden of the masculine role in your relationship at all times. This could lead to burnout or suppressing beautiful aspects of your personality. A healthy partnership creates a safe space for you to be in your full Masculine and your full Feminine.
Sometimes you might lead with your masculine energy – holding space for your partner and protecting your family/community.
There are other moments in life where you might be greaving, and your partner can help create a safe space for you to be vulnerable—allowing you to nurture your receptive feminine side.
The critical thing to remember is it’s a dance—both of you discovering each other through the movements of life.
Don’t force yourself to be in your Masculine at all times. Communicate your needs with your partner and get in the habit of checking in about the sexual polarity of your relationship.
In Conclusion
If you want your relationships to be full of love, passion, and pleasure, then you must ask yourself: “How do I embody my masculine?”
There are several different ways to incorporate masculine traits into your relationship.
The first step is identifying and understanding what they are. Once you know the trait that best suits you, it’s time to incorporate them into your partner’s everyday life. For example, if being assertive is one of these qualities, lead conversations or planning date night. If independence appeals more than anything else, consider taking on tasks like grocery shopping for both partners independently without asking permission from the other person.
Lastly, while some may argue that men shouldn’t depend on women for validation at all times in their lives (including romantic relationships), we would suggest finding a balance between relying too much and not enough–both extremes being unhealthy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this blog post!
Please take a moment and share what you thought of the article below.
What’s something that resonated with you? How do these tips make sense in your life or relationship? Let me know by commenting below, and thanks for reading!
